February 2012 - Fulfilling Your Sexual Fantasies

Make the Most of the Month of Love 

 News from the
Center for Clarity

Making Choices for Relationship

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Sorry I missed you last month. Just before Christmas, I broke my kneecap. Between working on healing, working on my website and getting Hot and Healthy Sex Radio ready for kickoff I dropped the ball on News from Center for Clarity. The new website will be ready in a few weeks.

Hot and Healthy Sex Radio is moving right along. I hope those of you who are listening are enjoying the show. Are you answering the Sex Organ Question of the Week correctly? Starting with the February 13th episode, I'm adding a "sex position of the week" at the strong urging of my Executive Producer.

The guest on the February 6th episode is an expert in Fantasy Travel. It was so much fun to do that I decided to look for an article on fantasies to review for this month's News from Center for Clarity.

What I found was an article on MensHealth.com by Sex Researcher and Therapist, Ian Kerner, PhD. called Ask Her to Fulfill Your Sexual Fantasies. Of course it has a flavor of manipulation to it (as the title suggests). Still, I thought the "lessons" he tried to teach were worth discussing.

          I'll tell you about the article this month and in March we can talk more about putting the lessons into mutual use. In April we'll have a new article. If you have an article you'd like to talk about, send it to me and I'll be glad to include it.

          As always, I encourage you to use any information here that fits for you and pass on to others anything you think they can use. Make comments and ask questions by emailing me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.  or by visiting  CenterForClarity.org. Any identifying information will be removed for publication.

 

Warmly,
Jenny Friend, MFT

  • Main ArticleFulfilling Your Sexual Fantasies ... The article this month is Ask Her to Fulfill Your Sexual Fantasies. OK, I found it on MensHealth.com by Sex Researcher and Therapist, Ian Kerner, PhD. ... (more)
  • Hot Tip!Boring sex and/or a stale relationship don't happen just because you've been together for a long time. ... (more)
  • Questions and Comments - I started dating a girl who I have had a crush on for the last year and I was so stoked when we finally got together. We started having sex. ... (more)

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Fulfilling Your Sexual Fantasies
shoulder nibble.jpg

The article this month is Ask Her to Fulfill Your Sexual Fantasies. OK, I found it on MensHealth.com by Sex Researcher and Therapist, Ian Kerner, PhD. Though it has a flavor of manipulation to it, as the title suggests, I thought the "lessons" he tried to teach were worth discussing.

Dr. Kerner said he asked "a bunch of women [he] interviewed for" a book "what a man should say, or do, to get the sex he wants." He gave the story of how a woman's boyfriend got her to do what he fantasized about, and drew a lesson from it.

I'm just going to give you the four lessons this month. You can read the whole article at MensHealth.com if you want to read the women's stories. Next month, we'll talk about how both of you can use the same lessons to nurture your relationship and keep your sex life hot.

Lesson 1: Arouse her mind and her body will follow.

Lesson 2: Make sure she's the star of your fantasy.

Lesson 3: Give her a chance to change her mind about porn.

Lesson 4: Encourage her to share her fantasies.

Hot Tip!

Boring sex and/or a stale relationship don't happen just because you've been together for a long time. They're the result of your choices and the consequences of those choices

Readers' Questions and Comments

Answers given to readers' questions, as well as suggestions in the rest of the newsletter News from Center for Clarity, are given as general information. They are not meant to replace face-to-face therapy with a professional person. The reader agrees to hold Center for Clarity/Jenny Friend harmless from any use of the information and suggestions.

Dear Jenny,

      I started dating a girl who I have had a crush on for the last year and I was so stoked when we finally got together. We started having sex a month or so ago and something is wrong. I have been with a few different girls but she digs her fingernails into my back and chest during sex and leaves nasty marks and blood sometimes. On top of that, she is into biting my lips, nipples and skin to the point where it is painful. I am into this girl but this is just a turn-off to me. When she's doing this that's all I can think of and now twice I have lost my "game". Sex is supposed to feel good, not painful. I want to bring it up but don't know how and we are too into each other to just walk away from this. HELP ME, please.

Josh


 

Hi Josh,

With the two of you so into each other she might not even realize you don't like the scratching and biting. Even when you lost your "game" she could have attributed it to something else. Since you don't to want to bring it up out of the blue, you can start a conversation a couple of ways:

1) You can bring up the general subject of S & M (Sadism and Masochism). You can easily start by finding a talk show of magazine article about this or say you heard people talking about it. After asking her what she thinks, you can talk about how you don't really get into it for yourself. Maybe she'll get the hint from this but if not, you can mention how her scratching and biting kind of reminds you of S & M, or you imagine S & M must feel a lot like it.

2) You can point out the marks and comment on how someone asked you about them. Perhaps, you can claim the person mentioned how distracting the sensation is for them. Now you have a good opportunity to see how she handles it before you agree with the person.

However you talk about it, talk in general terms without judgment or criticism. If she doesn't take the hint first, continue to be nonjudgmental and focus on the distraction. Of course, if she asks you if it hurts, fess up. Just don't get into any kind of blame.

 

Good Luck, Jenny




 

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