March 2012 - More on Fulfilling Your Sexual Fantasies
Let Spring into Your Love Life
News from the
Looks like I'm almost back on schedule. Hot and Healthy Sex Radio is coming along well, too. I know you're all getting the announcements so I won't bore you with the details of what we're talking about. Listeners seem to like hearing the weekly sex position suggestions. What do you think?
I'm healing really well from my broken knee cap. That's one of the things my orthopedic surgeon has commented on each year as I've come in with my annual fracture, a tradition I'm ready to break!
I'm walking almost normally and tomorrow will make my yearly trek to the Whole Health Expo. I plan to take it a lot slower this year with lots of sitting stops. I don't want to reinjure my knee and my body doesn't seem to do well with hurrying and walking! Still, I'm looking forward to spending a day talking to health minded people and seeing the new products coming to market.
In the main article of News from Center for Clarity this month I'm sharing my comments on the lessons Dr. Ian Kerner deduced for men wanting to ask their lovers to fulfill their sexual fantasies. The stories he deduced them from can be found on MensHealth.com.
My comments are directed at men and women and have more of a couples' orientation. I shared the lessons with you last month. Next month we'll have a new article to talk about. Feel free to send me articles and your comments on it, too.
As always, I encourage you to use any information here that fits for you and pass on to others anything you think they can use. Make comments and ask questions by email or by visiting CenterForClarity.org. Any identifying information will be removed for publication.
Jenny Friend, MFT
Center for Clarity
Sacred Sexual Educator
Sensual Adult Toy Expert
Hear Sex and Relationship
Meet Me Online
Last month I let you know about the four lessons Sex Researcher and Therapist, Ian Kerner, PhD pulled together in his article Ask Her to Fulfill Your Sexual Fantasies (see February for full details). I've listed each below with my added comments for both of you.
Lesson 1: Arouse her mind and her body will follow. This is true for most women and many men. Arousing their mind can mean putting a play scenario in their head as Dr. Kerner suggests. It can also mean saying nice things and showing interest in what interests them as well as other things that help them feel wanted and sexy. Beware of assuming that by arousing his or her body the mind will follow.
Lesson 2: Make sure she's the star of your fantasy. Everybody likes to be the star of their lover's fantasy. In general however, women tend to want the focus to be sharing an experience no matter who the star is.
Lesson 3: Give her a chance to change her mind about porn. Consider looking for porn that actually has a story where sex is part of the story. This is common in European porn and porn made by women.
Lesson 4: Encourage her to share the fantasies. Try playing games that make it easy and fun for both of you to share your fantasies. Remind each other, a) fantasies don't have to be lived out just because you say them out loud; and b) having, sharing and/or living them out is about adding sweetness to the relationship not fixing something broken about it.
Healthcoachtraining.com reminds us that stimulating the olfactory nerves inside your nose will activate the limbic system of your brain, which is associated with mood and memory. So by adding smells to your hot sex scenes, you can bring back the euphoric mood and juicy memories with just a sniff.
Answers given to readers' questions, as well as suggestions in the rest of the newsletter News from Center for Clarity, are given as general information. They are not meant to replace face-to-face therapy with a professional person. The reader agrees to hold Center for Clarity/Jenny Friend harmless from any use of the information and suggestions.
I'm 30 and have two kids. My marriage is strained because I just don't have any interest in sex. It hurts my husband because I'd much rather sleep. When we do have sex I just want it to hurry up and be over. Personally I think helping with the kids and around the house would be like foreplay but he thinks that's crazy. After a day at home with kids the last thing I want to deal with is someone else wanting something from me. Is there something wrong with me physically? How can I get help so that we can get back to the healthy, satisfying sex like we once had?
I'm not a physician, of course, and I don't know you except from your note. Still my guess is there's nothing physically wrong with you. You might want to consult your doctor about fatigue and stress, however.
Dealing with a house and children can be very stressful, especially when you find it hard to carve out time for yourself. Doing that is important though, if you want to get back to the healthy, satisfying sex life you once had.
Since your husband doesn't believe helping you with the kids and around the house would be like foreplay see if you can find another way to meet your commitments while still carving out some time to take care of yourself. Maybe that means hiring a housekeeper part-time or finding alternative child care, or both! Maybe it means leaving some tasks undone or getting away alone for a weekend.
Keep an open mind about how to create change but insist on it happening.
All the best, Jenny
The Audience of
Is Growing FAST!