September 2012 - More on Supercharging Your Sex Life

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 News from the
Center for Clarity

Making Choices for Relationship

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          I've needed to figure out a way to spend more time on the computer for a long time. After all, if I'm moving Center for Clarity on-line then I'm going to have to spend more full workdays working on the computer.

          I don't know about you, but even with regular breaks, I'm usually ready to be done with a computer screen after two or three hours. With all the stuff I already do on the computer, adding all my clients and other kinds of things, it seemed just too much. But it's what I want to do to free me from an office.

          Finally I think I'm on my way to solving it completely. It was time to revamp my computer system anyway, so I went full out and got what I really wanted - a 27 inch screen I can see from across the room with wireless everything so I can be comfortable and still work. Plus, with the advice, guidance and technical support of an old friend, it didn't break the bank.

          This experience has the same underlying structure as solving most problems in life; find the right time, look beyond the possibilities and barriers previously identified for new possibilities, seek support to explore/research these possibilities, create a plan, execute the plan, celebrate. Relationship and sexual problems/issues are not exception.

          The author of the article introduced last month, Supercharge Your Sex Life: 11 Ways to Get Your Drive into High Gear, is attempting to offer new possibilities for many of the common problems around a slumping sex life. Each recommendation has multiple ways to achieve it so the possibilities expand even more. It's just a matter of picking some that easily fit into your life and being conscious of using them.

            Feel free to use any information here that fits for you and pass on to others anything you think they can use. Make comments and email me questions at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. l or visit Any identifying information will be removed for publication.


Jenny Friend, MFT


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          This month we're talking more about the article introduced last month, Supercharge Your Sex Life: 11 Ways to Get Your Drive into High Gear. If you missed it, check it out here. We'll start with the first four ways, reviewing what the author said and adding my thoughts. We'll finish them up over the next few months.

  1. Load up on libido-boosting foods - These are foods that boost the body's dopamine - a brain chemical that can help you feel "more frisky", according to Dr. Eric R. Braverman, MD, professor of integrative medicine in neurological surgery at Weill Cornell Medical College. He mentions figs, cottage cheese, walnuts, beef, dark chocolate, eggs, asparagus, bananas, and oysters. I suggest you look for preparation and serving ideas on Hot and Healthy Sex Radio's Make Sharing a Meal REALLY Hot! episode. [click here] 
  2. Add some spice (literally!) - These include chili peppers, with capsaicin, known to stimulate nerve endings; garlic with allicin, which increases blood flow to the genitals to enhance sexual stimulation and orgasms, and basil, black pepper, cayenne and ginger to boost dopamine. For even more ideas check out May and June 2011 News from Center for Clarity here.
  3. Cut down on alcohol and cigarettes - Alcohol suppresses testosterone levels and nicotine destroys acetylcholine, a neurotransmitter that boosts sexual arousal. I'll add that alcohol detracts from your ability to stay focused on an intimate exchange while smoking makes it harder to breathe and cuts down on the oxygen the blood can deliver to the muscles, thereby reducing their stamina and strength.
  4. Take some tea time - The caffeine in coffee and tea "boosts your dopamine levels as well as your sex drive, because it gets your blood pumping. It also enhances endurance by releasing fat stored in the body so you can have sex for longer periods of time." He suggests steeping two green tea bags in two cups of boiling water for a double-dose of dopamine power. I'll add that other research on green tea shows it helps you breathe and rehydrates better than water lone, both great for making sex more fun and long lasting.

          Next month we'll look at three or four more ways the article suggests to supercharge your sex lives. We'll finish the last ones in November just in time for end of the year celebrations and New Year's resolutions. But you don't have to wait that long to start using your new knowledge.

Hot Tip!

          There's always more than one right answer, path, possibility, nuance or flavor - so insisting on any one always limits you, especially in the sensual and sexual arenas.

Readers' Questions and Comments

Answers given to readers' questions, as well as suggestions in the rest of the newsletter News from Center for Clarity, are given as general information. They are not meant to replace face-to-face therapy with a professional person. The reader agrees to hold Center for Clarity/Jenny Friend harmless from any use of the information and suggestions.


Dear Jenny,

          I have been going out with my boyfriend for 6 months, but he can't

get me to orgasm using both finger and oral stimulation. I do

masturbate and I can climax every time I do, but he can't get me to.

Is it because I masturbate too much that he can't? Any help and

suggestions would be fantastic.



Hi Janice,

          I doubt your masturbating has anything to do with it. Without any more information than furnished in your letter, my guess would be that he doesn't get you off either:

1) He doesn't know how to stimulate you in a way you like or are used to;

2) You feel tense with him and tense your body; or

3) Some combination of the two.

          I suggest you examine your emotional experience when you're with him. Are you a little bit nervous, tense or uncomfortable? Is there an expectation or fear you'll be frustrated? If so, learn some relaxation techniques and work with your frustration. Consider professional help.

          Do you show him how and where to touch you? Showing him and giving him verbal cues or directions can be helpful. Do you feel comfortable doing this? if not, learn some relaxation techniques and work with your discomfort. Consider professional help.

Good Luck, Jenny




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Jenny Friend
Center for Clarity

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